Have you ever established you own personal boundaries? By this I mean, have you ever considered how you’d like to be treated by others and how to ensure that that happens. If you are someone who wonders why you always get stepped on, used or disrespected, it might actually have a little something to do with you. Let’s face it, there are people out there that are more than willing to take advantage of your kindness and generosity. It’s never a good feeling to realize that someone you thought was a good friend, or partner, has used or betrayed you.
So what can you do about it?
First of all, realize that you have every right to create your own boundaries, or rules. YOU get to decide how you will be treated by others. It is ABSOLUTELY up to you!
This will take a little time and some thinking, of course. You’ll have to examine your own values, decide what’s important to you and how you’d like to be treated. A good rule of thumb is not to accept anyone to do to you what you wouldn’t do to them! The catch here though is your own character. If you are a little manipulative, self serving, deceptive or an opportunist you might not even be able to recognize when someone else has those same traits. So decide how you want to live your life. Make the decision of who you want to be and make the changes you need to make when it comes to being that person.
If on the other hand you are pretty conscientious and have really decent morales (remember no one is perfect) then think back to when people have hurt you and examine what actually happened. If they lied to you more than once, make a decision that you won’t tolerate that behavior in the future and decide to end relationships with a person who is dishonest as soon as that becomes clear to you. Don’t keep making excuses for them and justifying their behavior. They probably won’t change and you’ll continue to be hurt.
Another way to establish boundaries is to put limits on what you will and will not do for someone. Don’t drive the getaway car, if it conflicts with your values, just because someone is a really good friend and is counting on you. No one has the right to pressure you into doing something you are not comfortable with. If someone asks you to lie for them, or break the rules and you don’t want to, just say no! They should respect your values, and most importantly so should you!
Make yourself very clear. Communicate how you expect to be treated by everyone, to everyone. Do it calmly and reasonably. I used to have a rule of waiting for a date for 15 minutes. Once a young man that I had had a date later told me me he showed up late for our date but I was not there. I calmly told him I only wait for dates for 15 minutes and then I ended the conversation with him. No loss on my part, just his. I felt stronger knowing that i hadn’t compromised my rules for a really cute guy.
Before I got married to my amazing husband of 26 years, I let him know what to expect from our relationship. I was going to have a career and follow my dreams I told him. He was, and still is, 100% okay with that.
It’s important to know that you cannot demand respect, but you can certainly weed out those that are incapable of showing it. Know what your boundaries are and stay true to your your values and yourself. Remember, that if someone is not willing to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, it’s not about you. It’s about them. It only becomes about you when you allow it to continue.